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Smokinhotbooks Attempts At-Home Waxing

in Random Funny 33 Comments

We’re alive!  As some may have noticed Smokinhotbooks has been MIA for a bit, KC’s been operating on two hours of sleep and K-Khan has no real excuse other than she sold her soul to the world of public accounting. Now that K-Khan’s got into nursing school she has a bit more time on her hands.

 

Smokinhotbooks Attempts At-Home Waxing

Ever since my esthetician (aka lady parts waxer) showed up to our appointment in two full-length wrist guards and told me about her battle with carpel tunnel, I’ve felt it best that we part ways.  How could I continue to contribute to her condition with my blood money? It’s also time to cut down on ‘needless expenses’ (expression courtesy of Mr. K)  since I will be going back to school full time. So while on a shopping trip to the drug store I couldn’t help but notice that they had at home waxing kits. A perfect solution for my current situation. So in the cart it went, along the Cadbury chocolate and other important necessities.

 

I am now realizing that with all this extra time on my hands the boredom has made me almost manic in my quest for vain self-improvements. God forbid I spend in hour in the gym versus watching You-Tube videos on how to update your ‘dated’ eye make-up look. Yes, a smokey eye will somehow enact enough camouflage so that the spare tire you seem to have grown over the stress eating you’ve been doing lately will somehow disappear.

Moving on, I meticulously set up my instruments of torture. Microwave wax melted to just about scalding check, little spatulas, check, little hand held mirror that was included with the kit, check, emergency oil to remove wax, check, and strips? Wait, no strips? How is one to do the pat and yank technique without those white strips? After re-reading the instructions again, I realized I might have made a clerical error in my purchase. See, this was a hard wax, not to be confused with the soft wax I’m used to. Apparently, I’m to apply this wax and leave enough to gather at the ends to just yank it off myself. Well, that has to be easy…right? On goes the first application. Half of it appears to get on my leg and the other half plops to the floor. Great, well, that’s to be expected with us beginners. So I let the wax start to cool. Since I can’t really remember what the instructions say on when exactly to start the yanking, I just go with my gut and start pulling. OH MY F-ING GOD! You, Sally Hansen are an F-ing lier! My first yank only pulls up about a quarter of an inch of wax. The panic starts to set in. The next yank and again, only about a quarter of an inch of wax pulls off. Now I’m furiously tearing, echoes of ‘don’t leave the wax on too long’ are resounding in my head as I viscously yank on the now candle hard wax. Pain level is now at a 10, bleeding has started to occur and I’m still panicking because I have at least four more inches of wax to yank off. After almost 20 minutes of pulling off little tiny pieces of wax look at what I have done to myself.

Where did I go wrong? Was my timing off? Maybe my yanking angle was too severe? Those arrows on the drawing said one way, but maybe my interpretation is off? I blot at the sweat that is running down my nude body. (But of course you have to be nude  because how else are you going to ensure to not get any wax on your clothes)? I realize that this was not exactly a great idea, not only is the pain unbearable but the bending at odd angles and pulling on my skin is not exactly helping my self-image here and is damn distracting to my hairless cause.  ’Oh god is this really what I look like’? (Tries sucking in tummy). And that the little “No Mistakes Mirror” (provided by Ms. Sally Hansen herself) is a tool to make you hate yourself. “Oh Jesus is that what it looks like”? Now, I can never pay someone to do this to me again, it’s just all too graphic. Thanks’ No Mistakes Mirror, I now have another complex.

After convincing myself that I should at least try just one more area since I’ve read the directions for the fourth time and should definitely be more successful in my efforts. On goes the now almost solidified wax, no time to run to the microwave again, Mr. K could be getting up at any moment. Oh god, the pain is now twice as worse. The pieces even smaller and I was overly generous with my application and now I can’t get it off. There’s no way Mr. K could possible be sleeping through my grunts and expletives. Rip. ‘Aw Jesus’! Rip, Rip, Rip. ‘Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh’! The door to the bathroom rattles, “What the hell are you doing in there”!? I have my leg bent at a most unseemly angel on the counter, my ‘No Mistakes Mirror’ has been placed on the covered toilet seat and wax particles are littered all over the floor.

Now the banging has started, “Let me in”! My response, “Can’t you tell that this one is OCCUPIED”! “Go the McDonalds if you have to go”. More rips and grunts ensue.

Mr. K “What the hell are you doing!”

I am beaten. I have no more fight in me. Wax I refuse to rip off is littered all over my body, the bathroom floor is a mess, and to complete my humiliation I now have two bald spots and the ‘healing oil’ I’m furiously rubbing everywhere is not taking off the excess wax. I yank open the door and walk out in a huff. Nevermind that my face looks like I’ve run a half marathon, or that I’m limping, I still have my dignity. I grab the contents of my at home waxing kit and viciously shove it all in the trash. $15.00 down the toilet.  I sniff a little bit and state that I was attempting to wax myself at home. Mr. K’s perplexed response, “Why didn’t you just use my nose hair trimmers?”

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33 Comments

  1. Holy shit, I’m laughing soo bad! Don’t you know those kits are E.V.I.L! Poor girl! I’ve never had a professional wax job but I’m very interested in it. I will never again try an at home waxing on any body hair.

    Thanks for sharing! I’m sure your experience will prevent another woman from self torture. :)

  2. I tried this once, with hubs assistance. It didn’t go well – here’s my (short) cryptic blog post to my two sisters-in-law:
    http://sleeplessinneworleans.blogspot.com/2008/06/wax-on-wax-off.html

  3. @Jess never.again. ever. ever. ever.

    @Patti OMG your hubs helped, you. LOL!!!!

  4. ROFLMAO omg girl. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to laugh at your misfortune but… Well, the way you told it, it’s hilarious. At the time I know it wasn’t funny at all. How do I know? Been there. And I will never. ever. EVER. buy one of those at home waxing kits ever again. If I want to torture myself, I’ll just borrow one of Monkey’s Jonas Brothers’ CDs and lock myself in a room with no Internet access, no TV, and no books.

  5. @mamakitty I intentionally broke my ‘no mistake mirror’ and I’m not sorry!

  6. OMG!! KC I was laughing so hard, my hubs came into my office. We finished reading your post together!! I felt every tug and pull you described ROFL

  7. @Dren K, took one for the team and tried to wax herself. I learned this ‘hard’ lesson in college. No matter how bad the economy is….don’t wax at home people!

  8. jaymzangel

    LMFAO!!! being a girl is such a bitch. guys have no idea what we go through.

  9. @jaymzangel word.

  10. Mrs K-Kahn The Other Half of Smokinhotbooks

    I was this close (pinches fingers together) to enlisting Mr. K’s help. Had I been brain-washed by that stupid Dr. Phil episode talking about appropriate ‘boundaries’ for couples, his ass would have been on emergency wax EVAC duty. Lesson learned, despite the troubles of this economy NEVER attempt to do this at home! It’s practically a form of self-mutilation.

  11. I’m sitting here at 7.45 AM eating breakfast but food is forgotten as I read on in horror. I actually attempted an at home wax job when I was 17 and I peeled of layeres of skin with it :( As I am reading this I have replacement pain for you!! Did you munch down some cadburry chocolate to infuse body with endorphines to counter the pain buzz??

  12. LOL, poor you :-)

    I’ve been waxing myself, my 2 sisters and my mom for about 10 years now. I agree with you those microwave kits are useless creations of the Devil (=sadistic men who never even attempted waxing), but I have this kit (been using it for about 10 years now, and still great):

    http://netker8.eu/shop_ordered/1971/shop_pic/XE9085

    In my area the estheticians also use this kind of waxing, only bigger, and it only cost about 25 USD.

    There are wax catridges you can buy separately, you put them in the heater and leave it for up to 25-40 mins, and it works wonderfully.

    Sorry to hear you had such a traumatic experience *hugs* and your husband :-D lol

  13. LMFAO! You two will never learn much to my reading enjoyment. My leg bleeds in sympathy for you. *hugs* Hope you can talk Mr. K into letting you go back to your waxing BFF!

  14. No words *on floor laughing ass off*

  15. ferishia

    I am trying really hard not to cry-laugh, since I’m at work and all. *repressestearswithROFL*

  16. ferishia

    I am trying really hard not to cry-laugh, since I’m at work and all. *repressestearswithROFL*

  17. LMAO I waxed one time at home and it took 2 years to get the wax off the ceiling. Never again.
    And I’m not laughing at you, I’m laughing with you.

  18. I NEVER do at-home waxing. Never ever.

    The only things I have waxed are my eyebrows and upper lip.

    I have sugaring done for my brazilians now. Way better and much more effective. Actually gets all the hair, including the root ball and sheath so it takes from four to up to six weeks to grow back. Also safer.

    Wax can break the hair, especially under the skin, and cause bad ingrowns.

  19. Also, waxing is worse for your body, especially since it pulls at your skin.

    Sugaring doesn’t pull the skin, just the hair.

    At least now, you’ll never attempt any at-home waxing. Good god. LOL!

  20. Feisty

    OMG! LMAO~! I almost pee’d myself. The sad thing is most of us CAN relate. While I can laugh now, it was definitely not so funny when I did it to myself and managed to rip skin off and have welts that lasted weeks. I would have been better off with the hair! Nonetheless, lesson learned and will NEVER EVER attempt home waxing again! Nose hair trimmers might have actually worked better! lol! ;) Thanks for sharing and making me smile!

  21. OMG I am wincing in pain over here just reading your story! You are so brave KC. I have never waxed that area (nor do I ever plan to). I just don’t have that kind of pain tolerance.

    @Tori – Do I dare ask how wax got on the ceiling?

  22. ROFLMAO!!!! Oh man! I am never… I repeat NEVER going to do that!

    OMFG! This was too funny! LOVED the last line as well! ROFL!! *wipes tear* You are the best writer!!

  23. This is the funniest thing I have read in a long time! I am not sure if the tears were sympathy or genuine, you are a brave woman!

  24. No more at home waxing!

  25. “Oh Jesus is that what it looks like”

    omg I spit my coffee. LOLOLOL

  26. bookster09

    oh my goodness, I laughed so hard there was tears rolling down my face!! thanks for the laughs!!!

  27. I am so sorry to report that I was in hysterics by the time I finished reading the post, mainly because I have gotten so flumoxed by at-home kits of various kinds. The “nose trimmers” comment sent me over the edge. I know it is insensitive to gain so much humor out of your terrible experience, but the search for an easier, less expensive way to torture ourselves in the name of personal hygiene can be fraught with disappointments and, in this case, pain mixed with laughter–your pain, mixed with our laughter. Your a jewel to even share it with us. I think it goes under the category of “The School of Hard Knocks.”

  28. Tischa

    Ya! MORE Drogo chest in his next movie “Conan the Barbarian” coming out on Aug. 19th! Oh, the half naked warrior look, I suppose i’ll indulge my hubby and take him ;-)

  29. Oh dear God that’s hilarious! I’m sure that it wasn’t funny at the time but…OMG! lol

    I remember the time I purchased the Epilady. Oh it was going to be so wonderful and I was going to be completely hairless, etc. It came in the mail and I started using it on my legs – which I had let grow in anticipation of the Epilady’s arrival. Oh my effing God! That was seriously painful! I started downing my then-boyfriend-now-hubby’s Jack Daniels by the glassful and it still hurt like a son of a bitch. After 4 glasses of Jack and only about a 4 inch square of hair removed I put it back in the box and returned it. Shaving is wonderful and completely painless! lol

  30. It never ceases to amaze me what people will do for beauty. Not me aaaah

  31. Where are you two? I miss your reviews!!

  32. My first visit to this site and you had me at the man-o-lantern…LOL!

  33. …if I can be “that guy”, may I suggest sugar waxing? Since I am super [read: SUPER] far from the comforts of a day spa, I started sugar waxing because I just could not stand not feeling sexy anymore. Of course, the first time went swimmingly and times 2, 3, and 4 a little less than stellar, but now that I have been doing it for almost a year, I could never imagine going back to the salon, shelling out all that money, or not enjoying a Sunday afternoon pampering myself.

    Hand-to-heart, if you have waxed before, sugar waxing is easy and much less painful than waxing. Plus, it is cheap and you have every ingredient you need in your cupboard.

    Oh – and I use strips of cloth for the hard to reach places. I learned that trick the hard way.

    Good luck :)

    lgt