The books, your friends, and random strangers giving their opinions DO NOT prepare you for night 1. You’re both excited and nervous because this is it. Your training wheels are off and they’ll be no more nurses to offer their advice, or tell you why your son is screaming his ever-living-head off. YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN.
I’ll never forget the pit-in-your stomach feeling I felt and how I jumped at any little sound he made. You get no sleep! And to top it off, if Mr. KC jumped up one more time with the blue choking thingy whenever the baby made a peep, I was going to bash him in the head with a pillow. Thus, why me, baby, and my mother, petitioned for hubs to stay upstairs while we camped out on the couches downstairs. I was in full mommy-mode and felt it best to tell Mr. KC he just wasn’t ready to be on Daddy nighttime duty. He was benched, and my mom was the new all star MVP. Grandma’s are a gift from the almighty, I’d have never made it through night 1 without her.
Nobody, and I mean nobody, tells you how much your lady bits hurt while feeding. After countless hours of feeding, bloody nipples and ‘oh my god, please let the pain stop’, I’ve deduced that Moms keep this a closely guarded secret so you’ll actually want to boob feed your child. I don’t remember readying anything in the breast-feeding literature that your nips will resemble barnicls on a boat that has been docked too long. Oh, and don’t buy that ‘roughing up your girls’ with a wash cloth will properly prepare them for this torture. Nothing but idolized salt and sandpaper, can even remotely compare, and even then, that’s too tame a comparison.
The Shooting Sharts
Everyone knows that when you’re having a boy that you are in danger of the pee facial you might encounter every once in awhile. Now, what Mommy’s don’t tell you is when your evil blog parter K-Khan, points out that you missed some number 2 residue mid diaper change, which leads you to closely inspect ‘the area’; nothing and I mean nothing, prepares you for when your son sharts in your face. I managed to gasp, blink rapidly, and quickly try and change his diaper. But what did my family do? Laugh their asses off and take a picture. What a bunch of A-holes. K-Khan is still on my shart list for choosing that to be a candid cam moment and post not only a picture but a facebook message as well. I’m so glad my risk of pink eye is amusing for her 134 ‘facebook friends’.
You name it you are going to get it all over you. Black is your new friend. Not only is it slimming to your still there preggers belly (eye-roll), but it tends to hide all the ‘gifts’ your baby will bestow upon you. And yes, I look like a female version of Johnny Cash, especially since I’m also in-between eyebrow waxing appointments.
You and Mr. Edison will become BFF’s. I naively thought I could get away with the once a week rule for laundry. Oh, how misguided I was (shamefully shakes head). You will be doing laundry 24/7 – the spit up, the shooting sharts, not to mention your own clothes. All I can say is stock up on detergent and maybe cash in your 401k to pay your electric bill.
I KC of Smokinhotbooks confess after reading Kresley Cole’s Dreams of Dark Warrior changed the spelling of my son’s name on the day of his birth from Aiden to Aidan. I told my husband I just ‘liked it’ better and when hubs isn’t in the room I lean down and whisper to my son, “Aidan the Fierce” after he gives me a good burp.
That being said, I will hunt you down like a rabid dog if any of you disclose this to Mr. KC! You’ve been warned.
So, after surviving my first two weeks of newborn bootcamp I finally started to find my Mommy groove; well-uh, until my pediatrician told me that next week he’ll start to throw fits, get zits and not sleep. Seriously, my hat off to Mothers who have more than one child – I don’t know how you do it!
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