I confess that on Tuesday, the 20th of July I told a lie.
Its always best to start these things at the beginning…
Earlier this week I had a morning date with my new BFF, Mr. Pest Control Guy. Mr. Pest for short. As I was entering the kitchen I stopped suddenly, like a deer in the headlights. Staring right back at me was the corpse of a Small. Dead. Mouse. And that bastard was blocking my pathway to my coffee machine! The agony of it all.
So, what do I do? I start off by slowing backing away. Maintaining eye contact is important because you never know when these f*ckers might suddenly be possessed by the holy spirit and come back to life. I reach for my trusty iphone. Yes, it’s attached to my hip – my IT guy and I could practically be twins. So I snap a quick pic. Just in case I need to bring in the big guns and emotionally blackmail my hubs into forking over the dough to pay for Mr. Pest Control Guy. Mr. Smokin’ needed to experience the same morning as I had and what better way to reenact that scene with multimedia.
Enter Mr. Pest.
Me: “Hi, well today’s your lucky day I found a dead one lying on my kitchen floor.”
Mr.Pest: “Oh, did we set a trap?”
Me: “Nope, it just died.”
Mr.Pest tilts his head questioningly.
Me: (Channeling Vanna White, I spread my arms and said):”There it is!’
Mr.Pest: “Did you use poison? Mice just don’t die like that on kitchen floors.”
Me: I stared straight at his Mr. T gold necklace and said: “It must have just died of old age.” (thank goodness I had throw away all the rat poison packaging materials).
Mr.Pest gives me WTF look. Guess my blonde hair said it all.
Let me defend myself for a moment and say I haven’t out right lied like that since I was 14 and ripped up my Mother’s 8 page chore list she left my sisters and I, while she was away. I later confessed last year at Christmas, but at the time, I looked straight over her left shoulder and lied my ass off. Why? Because I JUST DIDN’T WANT TO DO IT. K-Khan has yet to forgive me for our Mother grounding us an entire week.
I’m still pondering why I felt cornered. What posessed me to tell a fib? And to the Orkin man at that. Perhaps it was lack of caffeine, too many white lies to K-Khan on how that new persimmon cardigan from the Limited was fab. (Really, you need another sweater set?), or lack of common sense. (K-Khan: :Gasps: How dare you! Cardigans are the staple of the fashion world!). Nevertheless, the sin has been committed. I lied to the Orkin man about using poison so that he would take care of my little rodent problem and maybe get my association to quit being such a tight a** and actually take care of things. Like, oh, I don’t know, the fricken population of mice that are breeding light makin’ love is soon to go out of style.
Perhaps I’ll never quite figure out what makes me spout off the little white ones. Verbal diarrhea? Fear of not getting what I want? Fear of living amongst the same population of rodents that helped facilitate the travel of the Black Plague? I could psychoanalyze all day. Or, I could pat myself on the back and realize, hey, at least Mr. Smokin’ let me call the Orkin man. Now I don’t have to live in abject, musophobic terror that one of these disease carriers is going to crawl into bed with me.
Be honest what was the last fib you told?
Possibly Related Posts:
- Smokinhotbooks Reveals Their Guilty Pleasure Books Part I
- Smokinhotbooks Says No Time for Bloggy Must Finish City of Ghosts!!! (K-Khan)
- Why Your Kindle (or E Reader) is Your Marriage Pacifier
- Smokinhotbooks’ Says ‘Don’t Violate The Bubble’
- Smokinhotbooks Goes Job Hunting (K-Khan)
LMAO! I love how Mr. Pest asked if ‘we’ set a trap. Not ‘you’, but ‘we’. Doubt he was using the royal ‘we’, either.
The last fib I told…talking to my mom on the phone. She did one of those ‘don’t you remember me telling you about…’ numbers and I just said ‘oh yeah, that’s right. I remember now.’ Didn’t want to have to listen to how I wasn’t listening to her, so I fibbed.
I’m not sure what you were trying to say. What was your lie? I didn’t get it at all. o.O Maybe it’s just too late or something. So the mouse died on the kitchen floor. Or did it? You didn’t really come out and say.
I’ll try again later when I’m not half asleep!
*Shudders* God I hate mice! Thank heavens the worst thing we’ve ever had here is ants and that’s taken care of by every other month Mr. Clark Pest Control! lol
Little white lie? Hmmmm…I told my youngest, as I was trying to get the starter earrings out of her ears that they seemed permanently lodged in place, that it wouldn’t hurt a bit when momma took them out. Yeah, right. She obviously knows me well because she then looked at me with the look of “you don’t think I’m falling for that line, do you?” Ahhh, gotta love my kids!
LOLOL…you channeled Vanna
So you used poison and you were not suppose to? Naughty girl.
Last fib – oh em gee….so hard to choose from the many I tell….I haven’t told hubs the correct price of any of my purchases in the ten years we have been married..so those fibs are definitely racking up. Good thing he never shops or he would be horrified by the actual costs of things
Tsk tsk KC for lying. Now you will be haunted by the ghost of that dead mouse ala Paranormal Activity.
Gasp, you told a lie!?
My last fib? Tss, I nevah lie of course!! *chuckles*
Mr. T gold necklace? hehe!
Last fib…hmm…I told my hubs that I was cramping because I didn’t want to do it. Yeah I went there. I was tired and wanted to be left alone. I’m sure I’m not the only wife that does this so I’m okay with it. lol
You had me DYINGGG from laughter on Twitter over this earlier this week.
You had me DYINGGG from laughter on Twitter over this earlier this week.
Chalk lines.
Love you! Hilarious!
I fibbed when I told my cousin that I was actually paying attention while she was talking to me on the phone earlier. What? She babbles worse than I do! Stop laughing, it’s totally possible.
And it’s perfectly ok to fib when it comes to the eradication of mice. *shudders* Mice are of the devil!
oops. i haz a double entry, i pre-commented 0_0 i spamz your post.
@Ava March sometimes the quickest way to get off the phone is to fib. I do this all the time in my work life
@Jess (The Cozy Reader) I lied about using poison, usually pest control peeps don’t want you to use poison.
@Tracy ants I can deal with, mice *shudders*
@Mandi I often fib when hubs asks me where I’m at. I usually say in my car, but really, I’m shopping at TJ Maxx
@katiebabs just like the movie I will sprinkle white baby powder on the floor so I can see if my mouse ghost has cloven hooves O_o
@Janna (ErotRomReader) yeah *shifty eyes* me either.
@Bells ah, the classic headache/cramp, I think a girl has used this excuse once in her life
@SpazP my blog loves you so much it entered you twice!
@Mama Kitty I’ve often used the I’ve gotta go because I have an appointment fib. My girlfriend has yet to figure out my scheming
Um, last lie I told? What’s the time frame? Last 24 hours? 12 hours? 12 minutes?
No really, I think it was probably last night when my roommate’s 11YO niece came into the house with her hair professionally straightened. It looks awful, and I told her it was “so cute!”
And now I’m going to hell because I didn’t just lie, I lied to a child.
@Kati I’ll save you a seat next to me in hell
I lie every single time my mother in law goes of on one of her all about me tangents. My face/mask says that of course I am interested in hearing your 4 hour long story that’s all about you. But inside. Inside I’m dying a little. Please save me.
Also, I lied to KC all the time. She’s like a ridiculous task master. So I might fib every now and again about my available time. Mr. K likes to shout out my guilt whenever we’re on the phone. My evil death stink eye must be broken or something.
@Mrs K. I’m on to you!
Yuck! Mice! I hate mice, my hubs hates them more. He does this weird cherm-a-phob dance at the mention of them. Luckily we have a crazy cat lady down the street with eight million cats, all of which keep the neighborhood clean of rats. Unfortunately the possums are still around but they’ve got narly fangs. I’m assuming that’s why…
And K-Khan, I love me some sweater sets too, girl. You ever shop at New York and Co.? They’ve got some nice ones in pretty jewel tones.
@VFG *whispers* K has 20 sweater sets I kid you not.
The last fib, or rather BIG FAT LIE I told was that I was only interested in being friends with this guy who’s already taken.
I need a flippin’ margarita.
About 8 years ago we had a mouse infestation problem, and the pest guy came and left poison traps all over my house. He told me the mice would eat the poison, get thirsty and GO OUTSIDE TO DIE. Uh huh. Sure. I kept finding dead mice all over the house. My son would give his friends the tour of our house so they could see dead mice all over the place. So, don’t feel too badly. The pest guys lie, too.
@Wendy *hands over Cadillac margarita* Thank god guys have no clue when girls say ‘sure I just want to be friend’ – I’ve used that line numerous times in college.
@Penelope Dear god, that’s almost as bad as my little fib. I feel better now.
KC – It sucks because I REALLY don’t wanna be friends but he does ’cause he’s committed and blah blah blah *gulps Margarita* Screw it! HIS LOSS!
I have children. I lie on a daily basis.
I also drank my husbands Bacardi last Friday and blamed it on his Dad. I know, I know, I’m going to hell. But it was sooooo good.
@Wendy *sob* let’s just be friends is BS, I hate when that happens. Salt, sugar, and alcohol helps in times like these.
@Mar LMAO!!! I stole hubs $5.00 laying on the coffee table and told him he spent it. AND I don’t feel guilty.
BS, I SAY!! Margaritas will mend my hurt feelings.. Totally.
Next time this happens use my resuscitation line.
That’ll put him in his proper place! Besides… why did he need to know anyway?
I say round of Margaritas all around!
Oh yea… my lie… hmm… Well, I usually don’t lie, but I have known to just leave out information. I get joy telling my mom stuff I did when she didn’t know. She just shakes her head now.
@Melissa next time I’ll try resuscitation fo sure.
Leaving out information is an essential ingredient in dealing with Mr. KC. I’ll tell him I’m getting my hair done. Did I tell him how much it costs? No. Why? I don’t need to listen to him compare his $10.00 hair cuts to mine.
OH, this post was great!!! LOL
I can’t tell you the last fib I told, I tell so many of them! It’s hard to remember. Usually it’s little white lies to the kids. Like when the 5 y/o wants Hamburger Helper (again) and I tell her that we’re out of hamburger meat. Thank goodness she’s not tall enough to see the upper shelves in the fridge!
LOL Vanna LOL. I never lie. I don’t.
I don’ nad moit certain boring detailst lie per say. I merely rearrange the story for maximum benes for me.
Ok. Apparently I was channeling my foreign speaking personality up there. *shakes head* What I MENT to say is I don’t lie per say, I merely rearrange the story and omit certain boring details for the benefit of all.
LOL! You are so funny! What’s the last lie I told? Hmm… Not sure. It was probably agreeing with something one of my kids asked me to do just to get them off my back and then not doing it!
The last lie I told? This morning when my Shug called for 18th time to make sure I was out of bed. I said “Of course I am!” to which he replied “Why did it take you so long to pick up the phone?” and I said “I was brushing my hair. I just got out of the shower. Let me go so I can get dressed.” You would think after 10 years he would be wise to the fact that I do not ever brush my hair before I get dressed. Fool.
Too funny – missy…. it’s a dead rat, I forgive you…
Last lie…
I cant remember now but I live with my mom and kids – so a pretty decent amount per day… I couldn’t suvive otherwise…
E.H>
K-Khan, how can we have the same mother-in-law when my husband is an only child?
*thinks* *thinks*
Secret baby?? It could happen.
KC: I posted a whole slew of lies just recently. Perhaps I inspired you? LOL
hahaha – I always worry dead pests are going to miraculously jump back to life when I get near them too
@K-Khan – I <3 twinsets!