BDSM:
Leather & Spice and Everything Nice, Or Pain & Shame, and for Those Who Like to Maim
Ok, ok, so I need to make a confession. I hate to say that I may not be as sexually liberated as some of my other blogger friends but I swear I gave it the ol’ college try! I tried reading some BDSM erotica novels and I found myself feeling more shocked rather than titillated. As a person who loves all things nasty, dirty and a little sinful I just found myself wincing, wondering there’s no way that can be comfortable and please, everyone know’s that latex doesn’t breathe. So I ask, What has BDSM ever done to me?
Like most gen X’ers, I tried the new-age approach of locating my shakras and asking my chi…what’s the delio. What was it about BDSM that I didn’t like? And why I am a such a hypocrite? I can read about aliens and Vikings kidnapping women and auctioning them off as brides yet I have a problem with BDSM? As they say here in Southern California, “I’m like so over it”. (bleach blonde hair toss follows).
I began my self –appointed psychoanalysis and found that while I like dominant, bodice ripping, take me against any available flat surface males, BDSM made me say ‘No Thanks’. Sometimes I just can’t help myself. I see the word ‘ball-gag’ and I am catapulted back to the horrific visions of Bruce Willis and Ving Rames getting ‘schooled’ on what it means to ‘Bring out the Gimp’. Along with the rather avant-garde ‘toys’ of the trade, I just can’t seem to find my footing. I get too lost in the politics of the sub/master dynamic. I’m all for inventive toys, latex, and gothic ambiance but I guess I become distracted by the act of submission. All too often the submission is not about surrendering to our baser animalistic passions but more of a surrender of control and often in ways that I find to be a bit…dare I say degrading? Since, I have such a biased view on the BDSM genre I’ve asked some of their biggest fan’s just what does BDSM do for you?
Here’s what I found. BDSM, Bondage-Dominance/Submission-Sadomasochism is so varied and different that it can mean many things to many different people. It can be as subtle as dirty-talk or as hardcore as ridding crops and handcuffs. You know, the “Don’t make me tell you twice” (spank, spank) stuff. I found that after a little research, I began to have a better understanding. This was all about playacting! BDSM’ers like the consensual duality of letting someone else be the driver of their passions. The excitement is in the giving as much as the taking. The more I read about the genre the more I began to recant my original misgivings and wanted to give it a try again. I may still have some preferences to certain practices over others but all I had to do was find my niche!
As my unfortunate title at home is ‘little dictator’, I am beginning to see why I might have had so many problems with this genre in the first place. So I guess, maybe… I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy asking him to be my sub.
For those who are interested in learning more here was a helpful website
http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html
Authors that I enjoy that are on the lighter side of BDSM
Lora Leigh
J.R. Ward (Lover Unbound)
Jaid Black
Rena Marks
Jan Springer
Do you read books with BDSM? Please feel free to add authors you enjoy reading!
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I’m in the same camp as you, as vanilla as they come. It doesn’t bother me either to be this way. I look at it as preference, a choice of what you want to read. Like I don’t read contemporary romance but I love the hell out of paranormal romance. No biggie.
Good Luck on your explorations.
@Donna I’m like plain vanilla yogurt when it comes to the BDSM genre. LOL “love the hell out of paranormal romance!”
I read BDSM and I don’t have a problem with it, neither M/M erotica, I read almost anything and most is in my comfort zone… I don’t know why that is LOL…
If you really want to read a good BDSM book that show you the how and why of submission, what makes a sub and a dom tic, where this is explored in debt, I would advice to read Diane Hunter Secret Submission and the sequel Submisson revealed. In part one a couple fall in love, he is a dom, she a sub but does not know it and is in denial, he takes her step by step further in his world, Diane Hunter takes you by the hand and slowly introduces you to the world of BDSM and how a relationship in that world works. Part 2 deals with the consequences of the outside world, how they react towards this.
Maybe it is still not in your comfort zone but it is really one of the better books out there in this genre and gives you a better understanding and I must say that cling wrap now has a whole new meaning for me LOL…
Light bondage is okay, but I just don’t find hurting another human being sexy. I’m vanilla, and I’m proud! (Repeat after me!) Great post, cute title!
I read BDSM and I think it always depends on the book. Some are OK for me, perhaps a bit more than ok *wink* others not. I think everything has to fit in the story so I can believe that everyone is happy and wants it. I don’t like it when someone is kind of forced into the whole BDSM thing. And I’m not only talking about physical force. I don’t like it when someone plays the “obligation card”.
And I don’t like public punishing- that’s an absolute no go.
I think Laid Bare by Lauren Dane is a real good erotica with a bit BDSM in it, ok perhaps it’s the best I ever read.
The Story of O is, of course, the classic and well worth reading. It’s especially compelling in its darkness when you know that it was written by a Frenchwoman who was the mistress for many years of a powerful French publisher (I think that was his job). The entire story is a metaphor for her lack of power in the relationship, but also her willingness to be part of it.
Thanks for another thought provoking post…
I am a lover of BDSM – and not the hotwax, nipple grips sort either, but a little more than the usual submissive bit.
In the right authors hands, it’s fantastic – they make the journey a pleasure and not one to grit your teeth and hope for the best..
However I also agree that it is also a matter of choice, I am all for trying out an author and if it’s too dramatic or even traumatic – I am not ashamed to call it a day..
A few of the better author I have found are
Maggie Casper
Jude Mason
Sean Micheal (M/M – Hammer series)
The only author I have just not gone any further with is Anne Jacob’s… I read alot of her contemporary stuff, but just wont read the BDSM stuff just for the reasons you cited..
It feels too much, I am pissed off and I always feel like it’s non consensual…
I like a certain type of BDSM and I love when I find an author who gives me what I want – In real life I am so NOT vanilla sex…. I want it all…LOL
E.H>
@Marissa thanks for the suggestion! I will definitely check this author out
@Penelope {sings} say it proud
I’m with you, spanking ok is sexy, the whipping make me laugh and I can’t take it seriously. Anything that makes me want to saw owie doesn’t seem to turn me on…at least in the book realm.
@SusiSunshine quickly add Laid Bare to TBR pile. Thanks for the suggestion.
@Erotic Horizon I’ve read Ann Jacobs and I think a few of her BDSM books. Nothing, like dead from the waist down…not to say she isn’t a fab writer but perhaps I can’t get into the hardcore BDSM dom vs sub. See vanilla {shakes head}
I’ve only read a few (maybe 2 or 3) BDSM and so far I’ve enjoyed them but they’ve not been hard-core…more about the relationship between the couple and I like that. I don’t think I’d like it if it was written just for the shock value.
@Patti I steer clear of the hardcore BDSM books ever since I accidentally downloaded an xtreme bk from Elloras Cave. I’m still recovering…
I’m not really a fan of BDSM erotica, just not my thing. However I did love Bound to Please by Lilli Feisty. It was such a sexy read. *fans self*
I’m right there with Susi Laid Bare is amazing *rambling* It’s just the right amount of BDSM
I’m not into heavy BDSM but light dominance/bondage is quite welcome. If there’s a mutual uderstanding of what the other wants it’s perfect for me. I tend to stray from BDSM with too much Pain-inflicing, maybe i’m a bit too vanilla too lol
Oh yeah, I just read Laid Bare. That was pretty tame in the BDSM area. A good read!
I just read my first BDSM, Bound to Please (thank you Fiction Vixen!!) I loved it. I have no idea how it compares to other BDSM books out there..but I’m gonna find out. There was just something so sexy about their relationship.
I was surprised I liked it…will see if I enjoy other books with it in there. I just got a m/m BDSM..oh yes.
I think we all like what we like and there shouldn’t be apologies for that. I like reading about certain types of BDSM, but I rarely find books that express it in a way I find compelling. Spanking for spanking’s sake does nothing for me – but get me into someone’s head and make me understand WHY they’d like it (doing and receiving) and I’m engaged.
I don’t like humiliation at all, or trading of people to other partners. But that’s a personal thing.
I love BDSM, I love the energy it creates between a Dom/sub, the dilemma’s it presents and it is already mentioned, in the right authors hands, it can emotionally soar. Bound To Please didn’t give me that ultimate BDSM satisfaction but I loved Marissa’s rec of Diana Hunter. I’ve got a review up on my blog if you want to check it out K.C. I lost my BDSM cherry to Shayla Black’s Wicked Ties. I mean, that bathroom scene alone makes my heartrate go up.
*looking for some ice chips to cool down*
Im a fan of BDSM, but i cant say i like it all. I only know what i like when i see it. lol im a fussy bitch. Light BDSM would be Vishous [Take a moment to swoon!!] in the BDB books. now talk of his Dom table makes me want to swan dive on top of it eagar as a puppy with its first milk bone.
But then i dont like the whole humiliation thing, that would put me off reading. It all has to tie rightly into the story so spanking with a riding crop just for the sake of it is off putting too.
HEE! i have so many do’s and dont, i may have a touch of the ‘nilla too =D
BDSM books are very hit or miss with me. I find they are either too over the top or just an erotic novel with a bit of kinky sex. For me the seduction is in the emotional bond of the D/s relationship.
I just finished Dangerous Cravings by Evangeline Anderson and it was a really good BDSM/Suspense/Erotic tale. Informative too.
Another fave of mine is Joey Hill. Natural Law is such a sexy book. You might like her, she has quite a few Fem Dom books.
But I have to confess, I’m one who is not so vanilla. Actually, not at all ; ) I find a well researched BDSM book that has a good balance of emotional and physical D/s, a very titillating read.
@Fiction Vixen when you say sexy I automatically say gimme.
@Caroline A. light BDSM you say…sounds like my cup of tead
@Mandi you are so much more adventurous than I. You probably sky dive on the weekends, don’t you?
@Lauren Dane first of all {fan girl scream} just had to get that out of the way. I’m with you, if I could get into the why I think it would help me understand. Otherwise it becomes too shocking and I have a need to start sucking my thumb
@Leontine {skips over to Leontine’s blog} I will check this out, you know I trust your judgment
@sparklybearsy V’s Dom table {fans myself} hot hot hot!
@Fallon thanks for recs. I think I’ve read E. Anderson but can’t remember BDSM.
You know there is nothing like a little slap and tickle – but I don’t get the whole latex thing. Seems to me it would be a bit on the sweaty stinky side. And you know you are right, most of the books that I have read have the guy as the dom – I like me some powerful chicks.
Just cause it isn’t your flavor don’t mean your vanilla – chocolate comes in all kinds of variety.
Hmmm – I don’t really like BDSM at least the hardcore stuff. I have tried to read it but don’t find it appealing personally. I just think ouch most of the time or you want her to say what and do what? I also don’t find the humiliation side of it that enjoyable. Like parajunkee the only ones I have read have male doms don’t know how I would feel if it was a female dominant.
I guess I am vanillish because I do like some menages/and alpha sex!
Another gentle introduction to BDSM is Tymber Dalton’s “The Reluctant Dom”. There are significant BDSM themes, heavier than Wicked Ties or Lover Unbound, but the love story and romance is just as intense as the sexual side. Dalton does a great job of really making you feel for the characters and the struggle and sadness they are going through.
@Parajunkee “Just cause it isn’t your flavor don’t mean your vanilla – chocolate comes in all kinds of variety.” –>I heart you {hug}
@MarnieColette everyone likes menages and alpha sex rarrraw. BDSM as my co-worker says is a whole other Oprah.
I think I need to do some more “investigating” {exaggerated wink} about this genre…who knows maybe I’ll come across something that appeals to me.
@MaryB thanks for the book rec!
I second the rec from Mary B… I read the two books recently and they are brilliant…
Nice BDSM scenes..
E.H>
You know, until I read your post, I had no idea what BDSM even stood for.
P
I’m like you when it comes to the genre. I’m not into ball gags and whips. Maybe the tying up of people isn’t too bad, as long as there isn’t extreme whipping or something crazy like that, but that’s about as far as I go with the whole “rough sex” scenario.
Prudes in the house, say whoah!
Ha ha ha.
I love your blog, K.C.
@Erotic Horizon well if you and Mary B both give it your stamp of approval, I have to read this series!
@Karra {pumps hands in the air} “prudes in the house.” You would think after taking a “sexual literacy class in college”, yes I went to a liberal art school – that I wouldn’t be so squeamish with BDSM. That isn’t the case, unfortunately. I feel like I need to open my eyes and not be so “close minded” about ball gags & latex
The only book I’ve read from that genre was a Jaid Black book…which wasn’t too bad, why I can’t get into those books when like you I have no problem of the bodice tearing hero I don’t know.
@Colette I love love love Jaid Black! I blame her for my Viking obsession -can you remember what book you read with BDSM was it that one where he is a murderer and saves her from a crash.
Hmmm…I’m a fan of BDSM. I’ve read everything from extreme with Joey W. Hill’s Nature of Desire series to a more vanilla BDSM like Lora Leigh. For me, it comes down to emotional intensity. Like Lauren Dane said, spanking for just the sake of spanking isn’t interesting at all, but the emotional connection or outcome is what interests me. The same goes for more extreme BDSM, I don’t like to read kinky smut just for the kinks, I want romance and emotion. Gotta have that or it’s just word porn.
And I don’t think it’s wrong one way or another if someone likes BDSM or not. Either way, all of us who read romance are basically indulging in soft porn. *wink* That’s kinky in and of itself.
You know what’s funny though, one thing that weirds me out is sex talk. LOL! I know! I can take the whips, chains, brands, toys, whatever, but sex talk totally breaks the mood for me. For some reason, it just makes me giggle.
Great topic K.C.!
@VFG “word porn” –>love it! Seriously though, spot on with your comment, I do need that emotional & romantic connection.